Crazies Part II

X has been my downstairs neighbour for a year and a half now. The first time I ran into him, he called me "girlfriend" and kissed me on each cheek. The second time, he called me "girlfriend", kissed me on each cheek and asked me to sign a scrap of paper saying his dog didn't bother me.

Now when I signed my lease, I had to say I didn't have a dog or a cat. X's reasoning for the big dog in his apartment was, "I couldn't leave her behind." No, but you could have looked for a building with thicker walls that allowed animals.

X was sugary sweet for the next few weeks. Inviting me into his apartment to proudly show off his decorating skills. The walls were completely covered with frames of just about anything. And I mean anything. So that was where the incessant hammering was coming from. The landlord would have a heart attack. But hey, I'm a sucker. So I signed his scrap of paper and thought no more of it.

Until people started ringing his doorbell at all hours of the night and the dog went ballistic, barking and running up and down. Drug deliveries I think and young boys visiting. One poor soul insistently rang the doorbell for 15 minutes one night at 3 a.m. Business must have been closed for the night.

And yet, strangely, X thinks he's doing nothing wrong. I remember him opening his door one day when he heard my keys. He managed to coax me into his apartment to regale me with tales of a three-some he'd had with two 14-year-old boys on his holiday away. My look of shock just made him smile smuggly.

What's more if ever he needs something or you do something to annoy him, he won't hesitate in letting you know.

Last summer I had a bbq. X wasn't invited. But at 4 a.m. he knocked on my door to see if I had any beer left. I was asleep.

More recently, he called me at 8:30 on a Saturday morning to bitch about how annoying my bike was on the landing and how he couldn't hang his hammock properly.

And just the other day, he asked me what the wood on wood dragging noise was I was making all the time. Right, that's me once in a blue moon pushing a chair over to the kitchen cupboard to reach for a saucepan. Oh, and he asked me if I could ask my other half to walk around on the balls of his feet.

I think it's time to move.